Dancing Echoes

Beats Stumbling Around in Silence

When Was It?

54 Comments

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-When you held me down against my will
-When the stench of alcohol on your breath was overpowering
-When you pushed my back against the stairs so hard I saw stars
-When your contorted face had the look of pure hate
-When you forced me with your hands to look at you
-When the act was about hurting, not loving
-When I was too scared to fight back
-When your intent was to steal my soul
-When you were done taking, you walked out the door
Even
-When you were my husband
When
When was it rape?

I feel the need to offer some perspective on some recent posts. My posts are usually about the wonders of nature, introspection or humor. Humor has been the greatest coping tool in my life. The poems: “If Looks Could Kill”, “Cover Up” and “When Was It?” were about incidents that occurred in my first marriage and they were no laughing matter. The man I am married to now would never hurt me. I pushed these traumatic memories down and recently felt they were negatively impacting my life. I needed to give them a voice in order to be free of them. I appreciate those that understand and listen. I can’t promise I won’t ever go dark again but I am done with this topic and want to return to what I really love to do with verse and photos.

My demons rattle
Their rusty tightly locked cage
Time to set them free

Author: Dancing Echoes

I am a scientist by trade and artist by soul. My creative outlet used to be dancing but due to injuries and age, I must now find another path. I am hoping my writing, poetry and photography can be this new path. Awards: While I am grateful and honored for the numerous nominations, I don’t have time to respond to them with the attention they deserve, so for the most part, I am an award free blog. All photographs and words are mine unless otherwise credited. © 2015-2021 Dancing Echoes ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Christy Draper with appropriate and specific direction to the original content on Dancing Echoes.

54 thoughts on “When Was It?

  1. You win! Dance lady dance.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It does help to get the darkness out from time to time. Glad to hear this was from long ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That was hard to read, I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes old wounds open, regardless of our efforts to keep them stitched, and the only way to create healthy tissue is to let them bleed. Only then can we grow new skin over old scars.

    But they will always be tender.

    Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I’m sure it felt good to kick that rusty cage open. Also very glad to hear that this is from a distant past.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for your kind words.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes. Distant but still rattling and I want quiet.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. And writing is one of the best ways to set those demons free.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. These are all very powerful posts – I have no doubt they are from deep within!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. As I have learned this year. It is fairly new to me.

    Like

  11. Really? You’re such a talented writer, though! Keep it up, I always look forward to reading your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Yes and outside my comfort zone to be sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Wow, thank you. Right now I don’t feel I have choice so I am grateful I don’t actually suck. I still have a lot to learn.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Words can be a way to get our power back. Good for you. http://judydykstrabrown.com/2015/08/02/epiphany/

    Liked by 1 person

  15. To get rid of things, acceptance is very important. It is also the hardest and cruelest but I’m sure with good present, you can get courage and strength to be happy. Be strong and hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  16. <smile> I’m curious what it is you think you have to learn?

    Writing, I think, is less about applying craft to get the right words than about allowing the right words to come, and having enough craft and intuition to put them down right.

    It seems to me, in your responses here about how these words came to be, you have discovered in yourself how to let the words come, and have excellent intuition and plenty enough craft to find their arrangement.

    All of that’s just my way of saying, not only do you not suck, you’re very, very good.

    Oh, and yes, since the cage is you, it is well nigh time to set the rattling demons loose from it. : )

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Hello love. For you are loved and important. I am proud of you. Not sure how much that means, but I am. Very much so. Be courageous dear and finish the fight. No one ever wants to be in war. It does not mean that once in your stop fighting the invading enemy. Keep course and be what you are. Strong, bold, passionate, not only s survivor but a thriver. Remember.

    To heal my dear
    Is never fun.
    Amidst the fear
    Easier to run.
    Yet until all
    The healing is done
    The weavers webs
    Shall still be spung.

    Take Truth expose the broken bone of soul. Let Him set it back in place

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hugs to you. Giving voice to our demons sometimes releases them.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hi, and thanks for posting such a brave and honest poem. I admire your poetic ability and I’m glad that that terrible time is now behind you. I can’t tell you how affecting this poem is, but I will visit your blog often. I wish you all the best, Daniel

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you. That is my hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Your honesty is so remarkable. And I thank you for sharing a part of your life. Thank God you have a beautiful life now that enables you to move on and allow the past to be a lesson to some of us. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. You have a great perspective in your writing. I am sorry that this happened long ago. I look forward to your imagery poems. Keep moving forward. Best regards. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Thank you. Yes, long ago and yet yesterday.

    Like

  24. My 1st departure from the 5-7-5 Rule is a salute to your resilience:

    Recycled into art,
    defanged demons cannot bite.
    You are safe now.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Wow, thank you, this is wonderful!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I’m sorry your first husband was such a monster. Giving a voice to feelings, especially through poetry can be very cathartic. The poem’s images and the emotions it evokes are raw and powerful. I’m glad you are now in a safe and loving place!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. I think all writers are prone to doubt, but you’re doing a great job of expressing raw emotions in words, and crafting personal experience into poetry. A process that makes the memories more manageable for you, I hope, and certainly connects with your readers. Best wishes.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I’m always here to listen to what you need to say, Christy.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I am having mixed feelings about this post. I had it together for a few weeks and couldn’t post. Then I read something somewhere on a blog that said if it makes you uncomfortable and emotional you should probably do it. It was pretty much shaking and tearing up when I hit publish not because I was afraid of repercussions so much as it was so personal. Other than MDH no one knew about it and he didn’t even know how bad it got at times. And it was weird, sporadic and not constant. There were just 5 really bad incidents in 21 years, but they were alcohol driven, scary and potentially deadly. Plus there is always the feeling of guilt. That I deserved it or brought it on myself. My head knows that is crazy but the heart is a bit harder to convince. Marriage is always 50/50 so I was at least 50% of the problem. I have to say the outpouring of support has been uplifting and I appreciate this great blogging community more than ever before.

    Like

  30. We all have our troubles, to which we contribute to in ways little and sometimes way more than that. I have a general feeling that this harsh and awful time in your life was not a 50-50 split, my friend, but something with the percentage scales tipped heavily if not totally toward your ex’s side of the scale.

    You were brave to post it here, and I hope it makes you feel better to put it out in the bright light of day, Christy. For one, it is nothing for which to be ashamed. For another thing, perhaps somebody reading it will take enough strength from your words to take action to correct a bad situation in their life.

    Your serious side is as honorable, genuine, human — and likeable — as your wit, playfulness and unabashed woman-ness.

    Liked by 2 people

  31. Abuse takes many forms including corporate abuse. In many ways, management programs can fall into the same patterns as spousal abuse; taking advantage of a commitment to exert control over an individual – destroying dreams and shattering egos.
    I blame the death of my first marriage, my first stroke and a triple bi-pass on the damage inflicted by a greedy corporation that made money by exploiting management trainees.
    I don’t talk about the experience much because I blame myself for being too weak to stand up for myself. I subjected myself to years of torture before I basically wore out and was discarded for another eager replacement.
    I too have found photography, poetry, and short stories of my surroundings, my family and my friends to be good for my soul.
    I hope you find continued joy in your blog.

    Liked by 3 people

  32. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. I never thought of those parallels before but it make complete sense.

    Like

  33. Let it out!

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Thank you! I hope it let it out and burned it to the ground.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. The best way to improve is to just keep writing. and you definitely don’t suck, so no need to worry about that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Don’t stop writing whatever you do! You are giving me heart to do the same. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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